When to go no contact

How to Go “No Contact”

Going no contact is a self protective measure, indicated when you need to break free from involvement with someone because of a divorce, recovery from a trauma bond, or release from a toxic relationship. Going no contact is a tool that helps you heal a broken heart without continuously preventing the reparation of wounds caused by involvement with the other person. It helps you grieve a loss and break your addiction to a person.

Going no contact is an excellent approach to take the focus off the other person and only focusing on yourself and your own well-being.

You hear this term often with respect to narcissism and narcissistic relationships. At some point in a relationship with a narcissist or otherwise emotionally abusive person, you realize why going no contact is indicated. Once you stop engaging with the toxic person, your head starts to clear and you begin to feel relief.

When you are involved in a toxic relationship it is easy to become emotionally damaged. The toxic person in your life, “knows your number;” that is, he/she knows “how you tick” and what “buttons to push” to get a reaction out of you. It is very difficult to remain in contact with a dysfunctional person who has the “inside scoop” on your mind without letting their toxicity affect you.

Usually the no contact approach is the tactic of last resort. Most people in unhealthy relationships are very resistant to going no contact. There are many reasons for this. The main one is that toxic relationships tend to be addictive. The hook in a toxic relationship is that the target feels compelled to “one day get it right” or fix it. The target stays hooked in the toxic relationship because of the feelings it engenders – guilt, obligation, hope, need, confusion, etc.

What does going no-contact entail?

  • Setting internal boundaries. Do not let your toxic loved one invade your mind. Stop thinking about them, your interactions, how to fix things, feelings about them, etc. If your mind starts wandering to fantasies about what you wish was happening in your relationship, stop them and think about something, anything else. Going no contact is not just a physical exercise. It is also a mental one.
  • Blocking the other person from all social media, phones, email accounts, etc. Do not let the toxic person have access to you in any way, shape, or form.
  • Avoiding others who are in contact with this person. Triangulation is common in unhealthy unions. Your curiosity may get the best of you when speaking with a friend of your ex. This is a set-up for connection. The point of no contact is to break all avenues of connection. It is far easier for you to stick to the no contact rule if you AVOID TALKING ABOUT THE PERSON.
  • Grieving the emotional part of the relationship to the point where the person is a “non-issue.” Toxic relationships often result in trauma bonds. If you have a person in your life who is inconsistent with love, caring, and affection, you may have developed a trauma bond with this person. Grieving will help you break this bond. It is important to “complete your grief.” You can do this by writing down your feelings regarding the good and bad parts of the relationship. Write down what you love and miss about this person, as well as what you hated about this relationship. If you can grieve both the good and the bad parts of t his person, you can let them go so they don’t have a grip on you any more. This will help you move on.
  • Taking your power back from the toxic person. Toxic people tend to be very manipulative. They seem to effortlessly know just how to over power their victims. If you have given any part of yourself to the toxic person, make a conscious decision to take yourself back. Do not let this person define you, cause you to feel guilty or obligated, or in any way influence who you are or what decisions you make.
  • Not engaging in any emotions regarding the other person. Detach emotionally. Make a decision to control your emotions with respect to this relationship. If the toxic person causes you to feel angry, sad, hopeful, or hurt, stop. You do this by noticing what’s going on; talking to yourself internally, reminding yourself that you are not going to invest emotional energy in to this relationship any more. Walk away – both actually and figuratively.
  • Letting go of the relationship and not being attached any more. Visually imagine yourself unhooking yourself from the entanglement of involvement with this person. Picture yourself leaving the “playground” where the toxic person is playing and driving away to a different play ground; one with different toys and different people. Picture yourself holding your hands open, releasing this loved one. Set both him/her and yourself free.
  • Moving on with your life. Look forward to what works in your life. Do not look back at the good (or even bad) parts of this relationship. Spend your time and energy on the here and now and on the relationships that are healthy and enjoyable. STOP TRYING TO FIX WHAT DOESN’T WORK.

Understand that going no-contact is the same as becoming sober or abstinent from a drug. It takes work. You will experience detox and withdrawal phases, just as a drug addict does when he stops taking his drug of choice. But, after about a month you will notice all symptoms subsiding. Give it time and encourage yourself that no contact = self love.

 

To receive my free newsletter on the psychology of abuse, please contact me at: http://www.drshariestines.com.

Sours: https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/06/going-no-contact

The No Contact Rule is one of the most effective way to get your ex back, to move on from a bad breakup or to cut a toxic person from your life (it could be a family or a friend.)

Unfortunately, there is a lot of confusion about the no contact rule on the internet.

In this article, we will explain the no contact rule and figure out how to use it in different situations.

What is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is defined as a period of time during which you don’t contact your ex (or a toxic person) so that both of you can get some space and time apart from each other.

If done correctly, the no contact rule helps you heal from the breakup, stop panicking and grow as a person.

If you want to get your ex back, you end no contact when you feel you are confident and are ready to start speaking to your ex again.

If you want to move on from a breakup (or cut a toxic person from your life), you continue no contact indefinitely.

Part 1: The Basics of No Contact Rule To Get An Ex Back

Most people who come to this website to get an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend back should do no contact to help them become stronger after the breakup.

Why should you no contact with an ex?

Researcher, Helen Fisher and her colleagues, used MRI scans to find out that romantic rejection or a breakup has similar effects on the brain as that of a drug addict suffering from a withdrawal.

If your ex is a drug you are addicted to, then by doing no contact you are going cold turkey on your ex. In many cases people are addicted to their ex and they need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them
no contact to get your ex back

Contacting your ex in any way is going to mess up your chances of getting back together.

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

By breaking your addiction of your ex, you will learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it.

You may be wondering why you should learn to live without them if you want to get back with them?

It’s because unless you learn to live without them, you will most likely be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back or get your ex girlfriend back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

Implementing the no contact rule after a breakup is meant for you to heal from the breakup. It’s meant for you to take some time away from your ex so you can get some perspective, work on yourself and become a better version of yourself. But it’s important to keep in mind that you should be doing this for yourself and not just because you think it will help you get your ex back.

If you are doing self-improvement only because you want to get your ex back, you may find yourself trapped, disappointed and maybe even heartbroken in the future. But if you are doing it for yourself, if your goal is to genuinely become a better person, you will be glad that you did it no matter what happens in the future.

In addition, if your aim is to have a healthy and long lasting relationship, you will have a lot more clarity about whether or not that’s possible with your ex after doing no contact and healing from the breakup.

(Recommended Reading: Should I Get Back With My Ex? 6 Steps To Find Out)

 

Listen:

If you are not sure about the whole picture of getting an ex back, you should definitely read one of the following resources [They’re Free].

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Leveling Up – 5 Stages You Will Go Through

Or Take This Quiz To Assess Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back [Recommended]

How To Start No Contact?

If you have been contacting your ex regularly since the breakup, the best way to start no contact is to just stop contacting them.

If your ex has been initiating contact with you on and off, you should let them know that you intent to take some space from them and that you want them to stop contacting you for a while. You should be honest about why you are doing this, that is, to help you heal from the breakup and get some perspective.

Here is a sample text message you can use to start no contact.

Hey, I know we said we will still be in each other’s lives and be friends. But speaking to you is not helping me heal from the breakup. I need some space and time for myself so I can get some perspective and heal. I don’t wish to speak to you for a few weeks. Maybe we can start speaking again when I am feeling better. I hope you understand.

Why is the No Contact Rule So Effective in Getting Your Ex Back? Does it Always Work?

The No Contact Rule is effective in getting an ex back because it creates a much needed space between the both of you that helps both you and your ex to get some perspective and heal. When you heal and you stop the push/pull dynamics between you and your ex, you allow the love you had for each other to resurface.

Human psychology (for both males and females) does not allow us to think clearly and miss our loved ones as long as we are trapped in this push/pull dynamics with an ex. Human psychology does not allow love to resurface as long as insecurity, neediness, or desperation is clouding your judgement and pushing your ex away. But when you start no contact, it creates a vacuum between the both of you and your ex can’t help but start remembering the good things about you and the relationship.

Yes, a lot of times when you start no contact with an ex, they will eventually let go of the hatred, the ugliness and the negativity of the breakup and start remembering the love you two shared at one point of time.

But it’s very important to understand that no contact rule alone cannot help you get your ex back in a healthy relationship. If your relationship was broken, if you and your ex had serious issues, no contact rule will not fix your relationship on its own.

No Contact is most effective when it’s combined with real and effective self-improvement. (I teach the most effective self-improvement in my Advanced Program. Check it out here.)

Unless you stop being needy, unless you grow as a person, unless you figure out how to fix the issues that lead to the breakup; you and your ex won’t get back in a long lasting relationship…… even if they start missing you during no contact.

In fact, I have solid evidence that no contact alone will not help you get your ex back and keep them. We conducted a study of more than 3k people and we found that people who got their ex back in a healthy and long lasting relationship think that the no contact rule is the third most important thing that helped them get their ex back.

The above chart shows that most important thing that helps people get their ex back in a healthy relationship is self-improvement.

In contrast, we also surveyed people who got their ex back and broke up again shortly after. The results were not surprising. We found that lack of self-improvement was the main reason that couples break up again after getting back together. See the chart below.

If you want to read the entire study, click here. (it has a lot of other interesting insights).

This is why starting no contact is usually not enough to get your ex back and keep them. You must take some action during the no contact period to become a better version of yourself.

No contact may help you get your ex back, but if your aim is to keep your ex back permanently, your focus should be mainly on self-improvement.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. But remember, you should not be doing it just because you want your ex back. You should be doing it because you want to be a better version of yourself.

You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them, but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on its own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are four categories of things that are mandatory during the definite no contact rule.

Physical Activity

The no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • CrossFit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

Even though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends and loved ones. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period. You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run. But going on dates is not for everyone. It often backfires if you are obsessing over your ex constantly. You find yourself comparing your date to your ex and it makes you miss your ex even more.

So, if you are obsessing over your ex a lot, don’t go on dates. Only spend time with your loved ones. Go on dates when you are feeling better and are not obsessed with getting your ex back.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

Self-Improvement Activities

Apart from everything else mentioned above, it’s also very important to work on yourself to become a better person. As we saw in the study before, self-improvement is the key to keeping your ex after you get them back.

It’s especially important if you and your ex broke up because of insecurity, neediness, jealousy, trust issues or communication issues. If you don’t take care of these issues during no contact period, you will never be able to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.

To read more about how you should improve yourself, read this article.

What to Avoid During the No Contact Period?

There are few things that you need to avoid during the no contact period. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact period without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching your ex’s every movement.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour throughout the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is going cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s Facebook every day, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex. In this case, it’s Facebook. Delete your ex from your Facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything, and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

Suppressing your thoughts or avoiding pain

A lot of people try to keep themselves busy in an attempt to avoid any painful memories of the breakup. While it does help to some extent, you will eventually have to process the breakup and understand what happened.

A study done by the late Daniel M. Wegner, who was a Professor of Psychology at Harvard University, suggests that suppressing your thoughts about a relationship that you still desire will only lead to those thoughts coming back at a later time with even more intensity.

It’s better to process your thoughts and try to understand what happened rather than just suppress the thoughts and keep your busy all the time. If you are unsure how to process your thoughts, consider getting therapy, learn meditation, or hiring a coach who can guide you.

Focusing Too Much On Getting Your Ex Back

While a lot of people start no contact because they think it will help them get their ex back, it’s not really healthy to keep focusing on that. If you are trying to become a better version of yourself during no contact, you should do it for yourself and not just for your ex.

You should choose the self-improvement activities that you truly believe will help you become a better person and have healthier relationships. Your end goal should be to heal from the breakup and become a person who is capable of having a healthy, loving and long lasting relationship. That relationship may or may not be with your ex.

Once you start no contact with your ex, it helps to remind yourself occasionally that even though it is hard, it will be worth it because you are doing it for your own well-being and happiness.

If you find yourself thinking a lot about getting your ex back or if you find yourself spending hours watching YouTube Videos about getting an ex back; remind yourself that your end goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship with or without your ex. Remind yourself that you are doing no contact and working on becoming a better version of yourself for your own sake, not for your ex.

Part 2: FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long for No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 21 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

Remember, time heals. One study, done by David A. Sbarra, PhD, who is a professor in the department of psychology in University of Arizona, suggests that there is a linear correlation between time and how much you heal from a breakup. The study explored how sadness and anger decreases over time after a breakup.

This also correlates to the study done by Ex Back Permanently in which participants were asked what helped them most in healing from the breakup. The top answer was time.

Time helps you heal from the breakup. And as I explained earlier, the main objective of doing no contact is to heal from the breakup and regain your confidence. Even if you want your ex back, you should continue no contact until you feel you have healed from the breakup. If you are still feeling the pain, continue no contact and let time do it’s magic.

Should I block my ex on Social Media? What To Do If My Ex Blocks me on social media?

The purpose of social media is to enrich our lives and help us connect with our loved ones. At least, that’s why social media was invented in the first place. It may have grown into something else now. But for the purpose of this article, and for the purpose of you healing from the breakup and getting your ex back, let’s assume that social media is meant to enrich your life and make it better.

Whatever social media you are using during breakup, ask yourself, is it enriching your life? Is it helping you heal from the breakup?

Remember, no contact is not meant to manipulate your ex or play mind games by posting pics on Facebook, Instagram etc.

No contact is meant to help you heal and grow as a person so you can get your ex back in a healthy and long lasting relationship.

Playing games on social media is not going to help you do that.

If staying connected with your ex on social media is making you obsess over them (according to this study, it probably will), stay away from social media or block your ex.

If your ex blocks you on social media, don’t worry about it and don’t overthink it. They are most likely doing it to get a reaction out of you. Continue focusing on yourself and healing from the breakup.

What Breaks the No Contact Rule?

I get a lot of people asking me if they broke the no contact rule by speaking to their ex. In most cases, it’s best to not take any risks and just keep doing no contact. But in some cases, you may need to speak to your ex because of an event or incident. If you do end up contacting them, ask yourself the following questions to figure out if it counts as breaking no contact.

To figure out if a particular action breaks the no contact rule, you need to ask yourself these questions:

Did I just make it harder for myself to heal from the breakup?

Did my action cause me to obsess over my ex?

Did I act needy/desperate in any way?

For example,

Suppose your ex contacts you on your birthday and you reply just saying thanks. You didn’t really act needy/desperate in any way and it most likely didn’t affect the progress you have made till now.

In this case, you are not really breaking no contact.

But if in the same situation, you try to use this opportunity to speak to your ex and try to convince him or her to get back with you, you are acting desperate and needy and you just broke no contact.

What If You Break the No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, it’s best to just restart from day 1.

How To Do No Contact if You Must Interact With Your Ex (Due to children or logistics?)

It may not be possible to apply a strict no contact with your ex in a lot of situation. Situations such as

  1. When you live with your ex.
  2. You have a child with your ex.
  3. You work with your ex.

If this is the case, then you can still apply the no contact rule if you follow the following guidelines.

1. You only speak to your ex about important issues. You don’t initiate contact unless it’s important.

If you are living with your ex, you can speak to your ex about the living arrangement or anything house related.

If you work with your ex, you can speak to them about anything that is work related.

If you have a child together, you can speak to your ex about anything related to your children.

2. When they initiate contact, you should be polite and reply to them.

But only reply to them about the topic at hand. Don’t let the conversation continue more than necessary.

3. If your ex tries to talk about something personal, try to end the conversation immediately.

But don’t be rude about it. Be honest and tell them you need space and time. Say something like,

“I appreciate you asking but I am still healing from this breakup and I would rather not talk about it. I hope you understand and respect my boundary. Can we please keep all our conversations only about our child/work/living arrangements?”

4. If there is a conflict, figure out a way to solve it amicably.

Make sure you are calm before you start talking about it and go in only with the intention of coming to a solution. Before you go into the conversation, be clear about

  1. What the issue is
  2. Why is it an issue
  3. How it affects you, and
  4. What your ex can do to resolve it.

If you feel angry, get away from the conversation by saying something like,

“I am feeling upset about this and I would like to end the conversation here. Maybe we can talk about it later and come to a solution together.”

For example, suppose your ex is in a rebound and they introduce your child to their new girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s an issue related to your child and there is a good chance it will result in a conflict.

Before you go into the conversation, figure out exactly when and how your child was introduced to rebound, why it’s an issue (because it’s not wise to introduce someone to the child unless it’s a serious relationship), how it affects you and the child (because if the child gets hurt after getting attached to the rebound, you get hurt as well), what can your ex do to resolve it (to wait and make sure that he is serious about his/her new partner before introducing them to your child).

If the discussion gets heated, don’t get angry and don’t yell at your ex. Instead, just acknowledge that the discussion is getting heated and tell your ex that you want to stop this conversation and pick it up later when both of you have had time to think about it.

5. Don’t be scared to take serious action if your ex is being unreasonable.

A lot of times, an ex likes to play games or do things to get a reaction out of you when you are doing no contact. Sometimes they post stuff on social media or say things to mutual friend. If you are doing mild no contact, they may try to do something that affects something important to you, i.e, your house, your child or your career.

For example, if your ex is doing something that is making it hard for you to work. You should first try to speak to them and resolve the conflict. Tell them exactly what they are doing, how it makes you feel and what they can do to stop it.

If they still don’t listen, don’t be afraid to go to your boss or your ex’s boss for conflict resolution.

Part 3: What to Expect When You Start No Contact?

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the starting, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

What If My Ex Contacts Me During the No Contact Rule?

If you suddenly stop contacting your ex, they are going to start missing you soon enough. And in a lot of cases, your ex will contact you when they miss you. What is the best strategy if they contact you?

It usually depends on the following factors. Note that these factors are sequenced according to their importance. That means factor 1 is the most important reason and factor 5 is the least important of them all.

  1. How much have you healed and if you are feeling confident in yourself?
  2. What is the reason they are contacting you?
  3. Whether or not you are sure about reconciling with your ex.
  4. Do you have the right skills and tools to solve whatever was broken in your relationship?
  5. How long have you been doing no contact?

Remember, your aim here is to heal from the breakup so you can reach a place where you can speak to your ex without obsessing over the idea of getting your ex back. It’s to get you to a place where you are no longer needy. A place where you are the best version of yourself. Where you have the skills and tools to fix what was broken in the relationship. Where you are You version 2.0.

Here’s an example,

Suppose your ex is contacting you with the intention to talk. They miss you and they just want to chat and see how you are doing. You feel you are ready, and you have already done enough no contact. You’ve decided that you want to try getting him back or getting her back at least once. You feel like you know what was broken in the relationship and you are sure you know how to fix it.

In this situation, you can choose to end no contact and just speak to your ex. You are probably ready to re-attract them and rebuild the connection without acting needy/desperate.

But if you are not really ready to speak to them, you can choose to do one of two things.

  1. Ignore them.
  2. Tell them that you need some space and time to heal from this breakup and you will appreciate it if they don’t contact you for a while.

If you are somewhere in between the two extremes, you can choose to do the No Initiate Rule that I talk about below.

Suppose your ex is only contacting you to talk about a legal matter or to just wish you luck for an important event in your life. In this case, you can’t really be sure if they are using this as an excuse to talk or they really just need to talk about the topic. So, you decide what to do based on how you feel. Are you confident enough to start re-attracting them? If you are not 100% sure, then just speak about the topic at hand and end the conversation. Continue no contact.

I know it can be a bit confusing at times. So, if you are not sure how to react when your ex contacts you, you may want to get one of our email coaching packages.

Do The Initiate Rule for certain situations

The no initiate rule simply means that you don’t initiate contact with your ex. You let them contact you. If they do, you reply to them, speak to them casually and you can even try to rebuild attraction when they reach out. You can do so by flirting or using methods described in this article on texting.

You should only use this rule if you are not extremely needy or desperate and if you think speaking with your ex doesn’t affect your emotional health in a negative way.

In a few cases, the no initiate rule can be the perfect way to rebuild attraction and connection with your ex without cutting them off completely.

Beware though, this rule is not for everyone. In fact, this rule only applies to a very small percentage of people who want to get an ex back. The key here is your emotional state. If you are emotionally healthy and speaking to your ex doesn’t affect you, you can apply this rule.

Here are a few scenarios where this rule can apply.

  1. You and your ex were only together for a short time and you didn’t have a bad breakup.
  2. You didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. You don’t even feel needy or desperate.
  3. You and your ex want to remain friendly and you are not too much invested in the idea of getting them back.
  4. You are dating someone else and you see your ex as just another option.

While you are doing the no initiate rule, you should still do everything else that you are supposed to do during the definite no contact rule. That includes physical activities, social activities, relaxing activities and self-improvement activities.

When you are doing the no initiate rule, you don’t really have a hard deadline if your ex contacts you regularly. You can choose to end it and contact your ex whenever you feel like the moment is right.

How do you know the moment is right to end the no initiate rule?

When you are sure that you want to give it another shot with your ex. And you are not just saying that because you miss your ex. But because you have thought about it and you realize that you and your ex can have a great relationship.

Read: Should I Try To Get My Ex Back – 6 Steps To Find Out

You can also choose to end it when you realize that you don’t want to get back with your ex and you only want to stay with them as a friend. When you choose to end it this way, you should only get back in touch with them as a friend and treat them as a friend. If you are not ready to treat them as a friend, take some more time or consider doing definite no contact rule.

You can also choose to turn the no initiate rule to definite no contact rule if you think speaking to your ex is messing up your emotional health or is preventing you from healing and is affecting your self-improvement.

Expect Your Ex To Do Things To Hurt You (Or Get Your Attention)

Here’s The Deal:

When you start no contact with an ex, they will feel a vacuum in their lives. Especially if you have been contacting them regularly since the breakup.

Your ex expects you to be needy and desperate. Your ex expects you to be waiting for them if they change their mind and want you back. They expect you to be there backup option, to be there security blanket.

And when you start no contact, you are taking away that security they feel. If your ex feels like you are going to move on from them, they may do things to pull you back in.

They may do things just to hurt you or to get a reaction out of you.

To get you to do something needy or desperate.

They do this so they can feel secure in knowing that they can still have you back whenever they want.

So they know that they still have you as their backup option.

A lot of exes do this unknowingly, out of panic/fear of losing you. Some exes do it knowingly to manipulate you.

They may do things like,

  • Posting pics on social media with the opposite sex.
  • Posting status messages that are clearly pointed at you.
  • Calling you randomly just to talk to you.
  • Talking to you in a way that makes you feel like they want you back and when you start giving them attention, they pull away.
  • Giving you false hope about getting back together only to become cold once you start talking to them again.

You get the point.

They want you around so they don’t have to feel the breakup grief.

If your ex does this and you fall in their trap, then you must start no contact again. You must stop contacting them. You must learn from your mistakes and not fall for their trap the next time they pull crap like this.

Remember, that this whole no contact thing is not for your ex. It’s mainly for you. It’s for you heal form this breakup and become stronger. And if your ex is trying their best to stop you from becoming stronger, it’s only because they want to keep you weak and be their backup. And we both know that you deserve better than that.

The only exception to this is if your ex genuinely regrets the breakup, is going through extreme grief and they are thinking about getting back together. If you feel that your ex genuinely wants to try to fix the breakup but they don’t know how to, read on to the next section where I talk about doing no contact in a certain way to quickly get an ex back.

Part 4: A Brief No Contact Rule To Quickly Get an Ex Back (For Special Situations)

In some situation, you can do no contact with an ex to quickly figure out the reason for the breakup, work on your self-improvement and ask your ex to either meetup or to give it another chance.

The brief no contact rule only lasts for 1-2 weeks. It goes something like this,

Breakup -> Brief No Contact Rule —-> Reach out and see where your ex stands —> If they refuse, start definite no contact rule.

The Brief No Contact Rule Can Work in the following situations.

  1. You never acted needy/desperate after the breakup. You accepted the breakup gracefully and stopped contacting them almost immediately after.
  2. You never told your ex that you don’t want the breakup. You never expressed your desire to reconcile with your ex. For some reason, you hid your true feelings from your ex after the breakup.
  3. You broke up because of something that you can fix immediately or the process of fixing it can begin immediately. For example, suppose you broke up because of a toxic person in your life. May it be an ex-wife or an ex-husband. If you can remove that person completely from your life within this period, you can reach out to your ex and ask them to try again.
  4. Your ex has been contacting you constantly and they show strong signs of wanting to get back together. Signs that show that your ex regrets breaking up.

Here are a few guidelines for the brief no contact rule.

1. The purpose of the brief no contact rule is to figure out where your ex stands.

A lot of times, an ex is not sure about the breakup and giving them a slight push in the right direction may help in getting back together.

2. It’s very important to figure out the root cause of the breakup and figure out a solution for it before asking your ex to meetup or get back together.

In most cases, working on your communication skills help a lot. I highly recommend this book on communication. In some cases, you may just start tackling the big issues such as insecurity, fear of commitment, or trust issues. A good way to start is by getting therapy or a relationship coach.

3. It’s important to make progress.

You can’t make major changes during the brief no contact rule. But you can make progress. And a little bit of progress can be enough to show your ex things will be different now. Such progress includes, reading books on relationship, communication and self-esteem, starting therapy, finalizing divorce or cutting off people toxic people from your life (like a toxic ex-husband or ex-wife).

4. When you reach out after brief no contact rule, you should be honest and straightforward about your intentions to try reconciling.

But you shouldn’t ask your ex to get back together or a commitment. You should only ask them to meetup and take things slow. Instead, acknowledge that the relationship was broken and neither one of you should go back to that. Ask them to start something new and take things slowly. Emphasize that there is no pressure on them to commit and if things don’t work out, you can both move on knowing that it isn’t going to work.

5. Remember that the brief no contact rule has a very small chance of working.

So, if your ex refuses your proposal to try to get back together, don’t be surprised. Just accept his/her decision gracefully and start the 5 step plan to get your ex back or the 5 stage plan to get your ex-girlfriend back.

Part 5: Use No Contact To Move on From an Ex or A Toxic Person.

No contact isn’t just about getting an ex back. It can be very very effective in helping you move on from a breakup or to remove a toxic person from your life. Here’s how to do that.

1. When you want to move on from a bad romantic relationship.

If you were in a serious relationship and it ended badly, it makes sense if you decide to move on from it. And the best way to move on from a relationship is to completely cut off your ex from your life. It’s like cutting off a drug you are addicted to. Instead of trying to wane off your addiction, you go cold turkey on it. You just cut it off, go through the withdrawal symptoms and eventually realize that the drug was bad for you.

When you cut off your ex, you will go through these withdrawal symptoms aka breakup grief. You will go through anger, bargaining, denial, depression and acceptance. But eventually, you will come out the other end stronger than ever when you have moved on.

The idea of getting an ex back can be tempting. If you feel that you and your ex had a great relationship, you may want to try to get your ex back once you are feeling better. But if you get back in touch with them you risk getting hooked on the drug again.

But isn’t this website about getting your ex back?

Yes, it is. In fact, I recommend people get back in touch with their ex after they have healed from the breakup and are feeling more confident in themselves. I don’t recommend indefinite no contact in most cases of breakups. But it makes sense in some cases.

  • When you were in a toxic relationship and it took a toll on your self-esteem.
  • When you tried to get them back using my methods and it didn’t work.
  • When you applied definite no contact and realized that you are better off without your ex in life.

In all the cases I mentioned above, there is once common factor. Your ex was not right for you. In few cases, it makes sense to keep your ex as a friend. But in majority of the cases, it’s better to just cut them off and move on.

2. When you want to remove a toxic person from your life. It could be a relative or a friend.

A toxic person is someone who just brings you down and doesn’t contribute anything positive in your life. It could be a toxic sibling, a parent or even a friend. In most cases, such a person is in your life because they entered your life when you were young, and they have been with you for most of your adult life.

To figure out if such a person is worth applying indefinite no contact to, ask yourself the following questions.

  1. If you could go back in time and replace this person with someone else, someone who is emotionally healthy, would you do it?
  2. Have they shown any signs of wanting to learn and grow? Do they recognize that they can be toxic?
  3. Are you just keeping them in your life because you feel guilty for leaving them?
  4. Are you in a situation where they have the power to affect your life in a negative way?

The answers to these questions should help you figure out if removing that person from your life is the right decision for you.

How to apply the indefinite no contact rule?

In most cases, it’s best to let that person know that you are going to cut them off from your life completely and ask them to never contact you again. If you do this, you should expect a backlash. For most toxic people, everything is a game, and everyone is manipulative. So, they might think you are doing it just to hurt them and they might do something to hurt you back.

But whatever they do, stick to your words and don’t let them contact you again. If things get difficult, don’t be afraid to get help or involve authorities. Remember, it’s best to remove this toxic person from your life so that you, your loved ones and the people who are dependent on you can lead a healthy life. So you don’t continue this chain of toxic behavior that is passed on from parents to children, from lovers to lovers and from friends to friends.

Conclusion

The no contact rule is an excellent tool that can help a lot in getting an ex back, getting over a breakup or removing a toxic person from your life.

It’s quite straightforward if you want to move on from a breakup or remove a toxic person from your life. It gets a little bit complicated when it comes to getting an ex back. This article was meant to help you understand the complexities of the no contact rule and how to successfully apply it in your situation.

In essence, no contact works best if you use it to focus on yourself rather than your ex. It works best if you use the time away from your ex to heal from the breakup and improve as a person.

Moving forward, here are a few articles that will help you in the journey of getting your ex back.

9 Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back

What To Do If You Miss Your Ex Terribly

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Recommended Quiz:What Are Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back? [Recommended Quiz]

 

References:

Fisher HE, Brown LL, Aron A, Strong G, Mashek D. Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. J Neurophysiol. 2010 Jul;104(1):51-60. doi: 10.1152/jn.00784.2009. Epub 2010 May 5. PMID: 20445032.

Wegner DM, Gold DB. Fanning old flames: Emotional and cognitive effects of suppressing thoughts of a past relationship. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1995;68 :782-792.

Veronika Lukacs & Anabel Quan-Haase (2015) Romantic breakups on Facebook: new scales for studying post-breakup behaviors, digital distress, and surveillance, Information, Communication & Society, 18:5, 492-508, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118X.2015.1008540

https://www.healthline.com/health/do-i-need-therapy

https://www.insider.com/what-happens-when-couples-get-back-together-after-a-breakup-2019-10

Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x

Sours: https://exbackpermanently.com/the-no-contact-rule/
  1. Good day quotes and images
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Breakups can be one of the toughest experiences of one’s life especially if they are the person being dumped. It can truly register in someone’s mind as a loss which can bring much grief. If you have experienced a breakup, then you might feel the urge to entertain feelings of betrayal or disregard. A breakup can call a lot into question for most people, things such as their worth, attractiveness, and overall self-image. It’s important for this loss not to be internalized or projected as it being your fault when it probably wasn’t any wrongdoing on your part. With following the No Contact Rule, a person could manifest their ex back without having to go through the different stages of grief.

Sometimes, people break up with their significant other simply out of frustration. It may not even be that they don’t want you anymore. They could honestly not know how to deal with overwhelming emotions. Thus, running away appears to be the easier option for them. Nonetheless, this is still not acceptable. A person who claims to value you should be able to try to communicate their feelings effectively or at least ask for time to collect one’s thoughts.

In other scenarios, a person just may not see your worth as yet. Or, they feel as though you will always be an option for them to return to. This is essentially the point of the No Contact Rule. Some people may be asking, “Does No Contact work?”. While everyone’s ex is different, the No Contact Rule does increase the likelihood of your ex missing you and wanting to come back. In essence, it will show them that you are not available for them whenever they want you and that you have your own life to live. This independence will likely light a fire under them, making them want you even more.

How Does No Contact Work?

The 30 Day No Contact Rule requires that you have no contact with ex. This means you can not respond to or send any text calls or phone calls to your ex. This suspension of contact and radio silence can last anywhere from 30 days, 60 days, or a couple weeks periodof no contact with your ex boyfriend/girlfriend. By having no contact with your ex for a considerably long time, they will begin to miss your presence and crave to hear your voice. If an ex reaching out before the 30 Day No Contact Rule is over, you still shouldn’t break no contact cold turkey. This might given them the impression that you are always accessible even if they choose to dump you. By not being in such a rush to communicate with them, it sends a clear message that you are choosing to spend time doing other things and that you are your number one priority.

Should I Call My Ex?

No. As much as it may hurt to not be in communication with your ex, it is vital that you do not break this rule of no contact. As time passing not speaking to your ex, you may start to feel a little discouraged as to whether or not it’s working. You may think in your head, “Does No Contact work?”. However, you shouldn’t entertain these doubts. Your ex is likely wonder why you have not reached out to them yet and may begin to feel regret for their decision. So, be strong and hold out as long as you can.

How to Cope:

Going without contact with an ex can add onto the pain dealing with the initial break up. Every ounce of your being may be convinced that you should reach out or respond to a text or answer that phone call. However, the no contact rule is solely about making a statement. This statement and precedent that is being set is showing others that you have a high regard for yourself. Nonetheless, it is still very natural to yearn for the attention and to desire your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. To make this process a bit a lot easier, you should limit yourself to any interaction with your ex. This includes not obsessing over them. Some people have a habit of stalking their ex’s social media page to see what they are up to. This secret monitoring may just add to your feelings of missing them and might also contribute to feelings of resentment. So, it is probably best for you to take a break from social media entirely. Seeing pictures of them online could likely trigger old emotions and nostalgia.

Also, you can also delete pictures you have of them to prevent yourself from scrolling through the “good ol’ times”. This is like opening up an old wound while it is trying to heal. Thus, it is best for you to just focus on yourself during this process. This might be easier for those in long-distance relationships as their is a strong unlikelihood to run into one’s ex. For those who’s ex’s live in their local neighborhood, you should probably find other stores to frequent as to not bump into your ex. This will give you the opportunity to expand your horizon, visit some new places, and meet some new people.

Speaking of new people, another way you can cope is to date someone new. Just because things are not working out with someone else, it doesn’t mean you are not desired. You don’t have to date with the intentions of getting into another relationship. However, you are dating to simply enjoy the company of someone else and have fun! You still owe it to yourself to live your life. This is why it is a perfect time to pursue new hobbies and focus on your personal goals. The more you focus on yourself, the easier it will be to successfully get through the No Contact Rule.

Does No Contact Work After a Breakup?

Does No Contact work after you and your ex break up? Well, the answer is that varies on the person. However, it does show the other party that you are not willing to be the chaser in this scenario. This can frustrate the other person who might have expected you to chase after them to the point where they begin to chase after you. It may take a bit longer for the person to come back immediately after a breakup if they have high hopes that you will be the first to reach out. Then, it becomes a waiting game. However, you don’t have to participate or wait for them to contact you. You should intentionally give them more time before you respond to them.

Does He Miss Me During No Contact?

Your absence will speak volumes as your ex sits with the reality of their decision to breakup with you. Some people breakup because they feel as though you are a convenience for them as you may give the impression of constant availability. If you’ve broken up with this person in the past, they may see a pattern of your willingness to accept them back. Some people unconsciously take love or forgiveness for granted. Not communicating with your ex will make them miss you even more because it is like going off-grid. Suddenly, they realize that they can’t reenter your life as easy as before which will make them value your presence and contribution to the relationship much more. Unfortunately, some people don’t see what they have until it is gone or at least appears to be.

Signs That the 30 Day No Contact Rule Is Working

If you want to know whether or not the No Contact Rule is working, then there are some tell tale signs to look out for. Your ex may start acting differently towards you or you may get word from mutual friends that they are missing you. Here are some things to look out for to know if the no contact rule works and if your ex is missing you.

1.) Obsessive

You get dozens of text messages from your ex, wondering what you are up to and if you two can talk. Maybe, they might send you a long paragraph expressing their deepest feelings and desires for you. Obsessive behavior can also transpire online if you own a social media account. You may log on one day to find that they liked all of your recent pictures. Or, you may also get frequent calls from them back to back, with voice messages insisting to talk things through.

2.) Fear

They may be a bit more tempered in communication if they reach out to you. This shows that they get the message and value you more. If it seems as though they are walking on eggshells during communication, this is because they do not want to void a chance with you and are playing it safe. They fear losing you again. Fear may also prompt them to rush back to you as they may see you entertaining other suitors as time passes.

3.) Sincerity

Your ex will start to be more forthcoming with their emotions. You won’t have to overexert yourself to get information out of them. They will be willing to let you closer to them.

4.) Reciprocity

Because they are valuing you more, they will make sure they are reciprocating the time and energy that you give them. They see you are not codependent nor are you willing to overextend yourself to them anymore. So, they now rise to the occasion, making sure that the relationship is equal give and take.

Do you need help with your ex? Contact me for one-on-one coaching or check out this online course The No Contact Contract.

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Sours: https://gregorybehrendt.com/does-no-contact-work/

NC: How To Go No Contact Without Guilt

Not everyone goes NC in their lives, but when you have to…you just have to. Below, we walk through the NC process and ways to beat the guilt that comes with it.

For those of us who need to go the no-contact route, it often feels like an unpaved path that many can’t sympathize with or relate to. Even though many don’t get it, many do — and it may help to talk it out with one of those people.

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely decided that going no-contact with someone in your life is necessary. Whether you’re estranging yourself from a family member, ex-partner, or someone else in your life, guilt often overwhelms the sense of overwhelming pride you deserve.

To make the choice to go no-contact takes a lot of bravery; it’s no easy task, regardless of how toxic someone is or was in your life.

You deserve to be proud of yourself for the action you’ve considered or already taken; the kinds of relationships that require going NC usually make it hard to do what’s the healthiest for you.

What does it mean to go no-contact? 

Going no-contact or “NC” is exactly what it sounds like. To go no-contact means to cut off contact with someone completely, usually due to the abusive or toxic nature of the relationship. Most people choose NC as a last resort, after repeated requests for respect have gone ignored.

When you go no contact, you stop speaking to someone both in person and online. This typically inflames the person who has been cut off, so you may choose to preemptively block their social media accounts, their number, and any other means they have of contacting you. 

Why do people need to go no contact sometimes? 

People might decide to go no contact for a variety of reasons. Often, by the time someone decides to go no contact, they’ve tried to work through or talk things out peacefully many times and may have tried to drift apart or distance by other means. Here are some of the reasons a person might need to go entirely no-contact:

  • Abuse, whether that’s emotional, physical, or financial abuse
  • A toxic family environment or interpersonal relationship 
  • Previous attempts to distance were met by manipulation, gaslighting, or other abuse tactics to keep you close, making it difficult to leave
  • The person is unwilling to reason with you, or meets such attempts with violence

In essence, most NC decisions boil down to: you have experienced trauma or have had negative experiences with this individual and need distance indefinitely, in order to heal.

Many people also go no contact after a romantic break up or dating a narcissist. In fact, many people who go no contact are actually children of a narcissistic parent.

Note that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a real condition and that people with NPD aren’t fundamentally “bad.” It takes substantial time and care for someone with NPD to recover, but it is possible if an individual is self-aware enough to seek help and put in the work.

In the interim (or indefinitely), the onus isn’t on you to stick around if you’re harmed by the relationship. One aspect of healing from depression, anxiety, and trauma is learning to remove yourself from any harmful situation — even if it means cutting off a blood relative.

Your choice is about your own well-being, and the other person’s inability to work with you.

How do I go no contact? 

Here are some tips for going no contact. 

  • Block them from all social media accounts
  • Block the person’s number
  • Block the social media accounts of anyone who’s in this person’s inner circle to avoid any instances where the person might try to gain information about you or send someone else to speak to you
    • Beware well-intentioned family members who may share what they believe is innocent information about you; any type of reminder may spur an abusive person to reach out again.
  • Take precautions such as adding security and two-step authentication on your online accounts or apps if there are concerns related to hacking or attempts to access the accounts to get close to you
  • Let trusted people in your life know what’s going on in case you need support or a person to step in 

Not everyone will have to block friends of friends, or worry about hacking, harassment, or stalking. But if it is something you’re concerned about? Take all of the precautions you can.  

What do I do if someone tries to reach out to me after going no contact? 

In some cases, you may unfortunately deal with slander or continued harassment when you go no contact. A person may decide to call you or text you from a number that is not theirs, ask other people to talk to you, or share your information online, whether it’s true or false. They may harass you on the internet or by other means to provoke you, retaliate, or to get a response. It’s hard to get peace of mind when this is happening to you. First, take every step necessary to keep yourself safe. In extreme situations, a person might engage in stalking behaviors and go as far as to show up at your home or workplace. If that’s true for you, the most important thing is to maintain your own safety. Put in a no-contact order, and if you have to move (with financial privilege in mind) or stay with family and friends, do that. 

How do I avoid feeling guilty?

When you decide to go no contact, it’s normal for a voice of doubt to ring in your ear.

The person you’re going no contact from may have set you up to fear cutting ties — whether it was through enmeshment, an attempt to make you dependent on them, or words that led you to doubt you could make it on your own. They may have told you that they need you, that you need them, or made you feel guilty at the idea of leaving by other means.

In the case that you’re dealing with family members, lifelong guilt may have built up surrounding familial issues, making the process emotionally difficult. So, how do you go no contact without guilt? Here are three things that can help.

Allow yourself to feel your full-fledged experience, without the hindrance of anyone else’s perception.

1. Let yourself feel the guilt

Strangely enough, one of the best things that you can do is to start by letting yourself feel the guilt. Once you acknowledge the feeling of guilt, you can work through it. Why do you feel guilty?

Maybe you have empathy this person never had for you? Maybe, it’s simply that you’ve never had to go no-contact before. You could easily believe that NC is a poor solution, if you never saw someone else deem it necessary. Both of these points validate your struggle, and your worthiness of freedom.

Let yourself feel your anger toward this person during the time you go NC, whether you intend to go no contact for a period of time or indefinitely.

Additionally, let yourself feel all of the sadness. Allow yourself to feel your full-fledged experience, without the hindrance of anyone else’s perception. After you sit with your emotions, remind yourself why you decided to go no contact in the first place. If you decide to go no contact, you may have been invalidated by this person many times or may have noticed patterns of behavior that were wrong or unethical. Remembering your reasons for going no contact is an important part of going no contact without guilt. 

2. Note how much better things are

If you have decided to go no contact, it’s likely that you have recognized and acknowledged that you were abused, manipulated, or in an otherwise toxic situation. That said, the story often does not end there.

Especially in the early stages of no contact, you may feel at times like your decision to go NC was an overreaction. You might worry about the wellbeing of the person you cut off, or think you’re a bad person for finally putting your foot down.

Remember that you didn’t make that scary and isolating decision for no reason. The person you cut off contact with likely was emotionally abusive or manipulative toward you. As such, it is unfortunately normal for their words to still ring in your ears.

They may have tried to guilt you out of leaving in the past, hence why it was so hard to leave. Additionally, they may have used other abuse tactics such as gaslighting or love bombing, then proceeding to continue harmful behavior afterward.

They probably told you that their behavior would stop, and it probably didn’t. It’s crucial to continue recognizing the abuse you went through, and to notice the difference when you are out of the situation. Both of these things will prevent you from getting pulled back in. 

3. Focus on yourself 

When you go no contact, it’s time to focus on yourself. If you’re going no contact from a family member or multiple family members, it could be the first time that you’ve ever really gotten to embrace yourself without judgement. Even if the drama doesn’t end with going NC, the joy of freedom can be a life raft in whatever storm you’re still living in.

In the case of going no contact from a friend or partner, it might be the first time that you’ve gotten to truly focus on yourself for a while. Now is the time to look inward, make changes, and embrace your own needs.

It’s also important to spend time with friends or loved ones who lift you up during this time. Try new hobbies or go back to old activities you miss and think about what you want in your life. Maybe you enjoy writing songs, taking photos, or watching sports. These are all great outlets and ways to reconnect with what makes you feel joy.

Now that you’ve gone NC and are free of a toxic relationship, work on developing self-confidence and loving yourself unconditionally. It may seem far away, but unconditional self-love is absolutely possible, no matter how much trauma you’ve been through.

Self-love doesn’t mean that you will feel great all of the time, but it does mean that you will value and protect your emotional wellbeing in a way you couldn’t before. Treat this as a time of freedom and exploration.

Make sure that your needs are met

In addition to working through guilt, it’s important to make sure that you’re using self-care during this time, and that you have everything you need to make it through.

If you’ve ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it’s a good diagram to refer to during this time. You want to make sure that you have all of the components of your needs met so that you can really focus on having the happiest and healthiest life possible. If you’re in college and are struggling, your university may have resources to help. 

What comes after NC? 

Going no contact is absolutely vital in some situations. If you have to go no contact, you’re strong and deserving of healing and freedom. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you deserve to be extremely proud of making this step toward wellbeing.

Life after going NC can come with a bit of fear at first, but ultimately, it can make for a much lighter and brighter life, and an accelerated healing process from the traumatic relationship.

Going NC also doesn’t have to be forever. Cutting off contact is often the only way to fully heal, but once you feel stable and solid, you may want to occasionally reach back out. There are no hard and fast rules here, except to prioritize your personal wellbeing above all else.

To work through feelings of guilt or trauma you might’ve experienced with the NC’d person, some choose to see a licensed mental health professional. Other people choose to talk with peers who have been in similar situations — in some cases, only those who have also been there will understand the need to go NC.

Remember that you’re now free from the confinements of your old circumstances. After going no-contact, you’re free to embrace all life has to offer.

Written By: S RainneJuly 21, 2020

Sours: https://www.supportiv.com/healing/go-no-contact-nc-without-guilt

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When does no contact start working? Everything you need to know about quitting your ex cold turkey…and making them run right back to you

Being broken up with by your girlfriend or boyfriend, especially when you least expect it, can feel like your life is falling apart. At best you may feel as though it’s a small tragedy that you’ll get over. At worst you may feel like your heart is breaking and you will never feel better again. The truth is, while breakups hurt, you don’t have to accept the hurt without doing anything. The no contact rule lets you take back the power over the person who broke up with you, make them miss you, and eventually force them to get back in touch. So does no contact work? And how long will it take until your ex misses you so much that they reach out? Let’s find out!

What is no contact? The 30 day rule after breakup

The no contact rule is very simple, you are essentially creating a void between you and your ex. This means you stop texting, you stop calling each other, of course you stop seeing each other in real life. It also means no emails, no interacting with their social media posts, no sending them funny pictures that you find or commenting on their friend’s picture in which they appear. At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months.

The goal of no contact is to give you the power of silence after break up. Your ex made the decision to break up with you. They were the one with the power to choose, and to make a decision that would affect both of your lives. No contact is a way of making them go through what they did to you. It is saying “if breaking up is really what you want, then I’m going to break up with you, too”, and you do this by stopping any interaction with them cold turkey.

This will quickly make them realize that the breakup is a little different from what they expected. They might have thought you would crawl, begging for them to take you back. They may have already pictured refusing you time and again, still flattered by your attempts to make them change their mind. They certainly weren’t expecting you to be seemingly okay with the breakup, and cease all contact with a 30 day no contact rule. This plays with their expectations, leading to emotions they were not expecting, and this is where the no contact rule really works.

When does no contact start working after a breakup?

Let’s be honest, there are some cases in which no contact won’t work. If your ex left you for someone that they are madly in love with, or if you treated them so badly that their friends and family are now against you too, no contact will likely not work.

But in the overwhelming majority of cases, you will be able to get a reaction from your ex. They will start missing you. They will start recalling all the positive aspects of your relationship and wondering whether they made a mistake. They might not reach out straight away but still, the seed which you planted is there.

The great thing about no contact is that it makes you a winner whether your ex reaches out or not. In the best case scenario, your ex starts to miss you so much they beg you to take them back. You now have the upper hand in the relationship, and are free to decide whether you actually want them back. In the worst case scenario, your ex maintains radio silence. Now, while this may sound bad, is it still not better than begging for them to take you back? Not only will keeping in contact with your ex after a breakup make it harder for you to get over them, it also makes you unattractive to them and those around. Asking someone who broke up with you to take you back is an act of desperation. It sends the message: I am willing to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I am willing to settle for something less than love. And this makes you lesser in their eyes.

In conclusion, no contact usually works. And even in cases where it doesn’t work, it lets you keep the upper hand and, more importantly, your dignity. Think about it, even if your ex doesn’t beg to have you back, they will still be impressed by the aura of mystery that you create by maintaining radio silence over the period of no contact.The No Contact Contract: The No Contact Rule

What is your ex like?

So will no contact work in your particular case? One thing you have to ask yourself is what your ex is like. Is she an impulsive girl? Is he a patient guy? In general, no contact works best on people who tend to act on impulse, and on those with little patience. Because the truth is, during no contact with your ex, they will start to miss you no matter what. What they do with that feeling is dependent on their personality. If you were dating an incredibly stubborn person, it might take months before your ex gives in and reaches out. With another personality type, it might be a matter of days. So get in your ex’s head: what are they like? How long are they likely to be able to delay the gratification of getting back in touch with you?

Why is my ex not texting me?

The truth is, there is no real way to know what your ex is thinking. They might not be texting you because they want to prove to themselves that they can live without you. Or because they are afraid to admit to themselves they made the wrong choice in breaking up with you. Just remember: the fact that they are not texting doesn’t mean they don’t care. Chances are, they miss you already but are just not ready to make the next step which is getting back in touch.

Does my ex miss me?

After 30 days of no contact, you may be asking yourself: “does he miss me during no contact?” Is this actually working? While you can never know for sure that your ex is missing you, there are a few signs that don’t lie. If your ex is asking about you to mutual friends, this is a first sign. If you run into them “by accident”, it may be another. Generally though, try not to obsess about whether your ex is thinking of you. That kind of thought pattern actually makes you feel weaker, and might make you more likely to break your own, self-imposed no contact rule.

What if my ex got into a new relationship?

If your ex got into a rebound relationship after your breakup, you may be thinking you’ve lost all your chances of making no contact work. Not so. A rebound relationship is, by definition, not as solid or genuine as the relationship that you and your ex shared. Chances are, they only entered that relationship to make you jealous. Now it’s your turn to play. Show that you are jealous and you will come across as a real loser. Show you don’t care by maintaining your no contact rule, and you come up on top. Eventually, your ex will get tired of the other person they started seeing. Attracted by the mystery that you’ve created around yourself by going radio silence, they will (probably) try to get in contact with you again.

Should I call my ex?

After a few weeks or months of going no contact with ex, you may feel like you’ve lost. They’ve had time to make a move and they haven’t. So should you risk it all and call them first? Well, let’s take a second and analyze the situation. If your ex is notoriously stubborn and you have only been doing no contact for a month or two, wait it out. They will probably come around. Now, if you have an impulsive ex who is not getting back in touch after 3 months or more, it’s time to act. At that point, you have nothing to lose so you might as well text them or call to ask how they are doing. Keep it casual, present yourself in a positive light, and never, NEVER beg for them to take you back. What you are trying to achieve with that phone call is to make them miss you even more, so that they’ll eventually be the one asking to see you again.

So when will no contact start working? Give it time, it’s different for everyone. The one thing that you need to remember is that refusing to contact your ex for a period of time is the best thing you can do, whether or not they reach out to you. So be patient, be strong, and be proud of yourself for acting with dignity. After all, partners come and go, but your relationship with yourself is what has to be maintained over a lifetime. You’ve got this!

Do you need help with your ex? Contact us for one-on-one coaching or check out this online course The No Contact Contract.The No Contact Contract: The No Contact Rule

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Sours: https://gregorybehrendt.com/when-does-no-contact-start-working/

When it comes to breaking up with an ex and making it stick, sometimes the best route to go is to employ the No Contact rule. “The No Contact rule is where you don’t call, text, or message an ex in any way after the breakup. It includes not talking to their friends or family about them or the breakup itself,” says dating and breakup coach Lee Wilson.

The No Contact rule is so effective because it allows you to sit with your grief and wounds and not plug up any holes or feelings of brokenness with someone else, as sex and grief coach Breeshia Wade, explains. In painful breakups, "the grief can be so palpable that we will do anything to soothe the pain in a given moment, even if that immediate action leads to greater, long-term suffering," Wade says. When you go no-contact, this can help you properly acknowledge a loss and mourn it, and eventually create space for something new, Wade adds.

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It's easy to trick yourself into thinking you might get back together if you keep texting your ex all the time and nothing really feels that different from pre-breakup. But, as Wade says, that kind of short-term soothing can be harmful in the long run. Denying to yourself that the relationship wasn't working isn't going to do you any favors, believe me. However, if you start to live without their presence in your life, moving on can become much easier. Wade also says that the No Contact rule can help you move towards experiencing and transforming your grief as opposed to distracting and soothing.

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Yes, it can be really, really hard to block your ex’s phone number, Snapchat, Instagram, and Venmo— along with their mother, father, second cousins, and first grade teacher, but it's worth it. Doing so pretty much kills any chance of reconciliation from both you and your ex (who is maybe still waiting on his text to be “delivered”). Taking the hard first step of going No Contact can help you get over a breakup faster than if you let it fester and eventually spill into the tricky “we’re friends!” category.

Doing so can then lead to a "let's be friends with benefits" situation where you and your ex then fall back into the dysfunctions of the previous relationship, Stephanie D. McKenzie, a relationship coach, explains. Remember, you broke up for a reason.

And once you've gone and deleted their number and blocked them, it can be even more tempting to email their work email or find some other way to pop back into their life when you start to miss them...but you must resist! Don't hit them up because you miss them, Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC says. Remember, "the function of this time is to process your own thoughts, feelings, and needs without the impingement of [someone else," Romanoff adds. Sit with your grief and loneliness and learn to process it instead of running from it.

There’s also no set timeline either. If it works for you to have a monthlong No Contact rule, do your thing. If you want to be like me and permanently cut them out of your life for good, go for it. “Do it for as long as it takes,” says Wilson.

That said, it can be effing hard to master this rule. It takes a lot of willpower and personal restraint—particularly if you see your ex at your favorite dive bar.

If you’re considering giving it a shot, here’s what seven women had to say about their experience with the No Contact rule and why it might be your best bet at moving on:

  • “This one hundred percent helped me. I couldn’t go back to someone just because it was comfortable or because things got hard. Had I not cut things off completely, I would have gone back to him—or at least kept talking to him.” —Sela, 24
  • “I do it every time. Delete their numbers and unfollow them—no temptations! Suck out all the poison.” —Katie, 28
  • “It definitely hurt more, but it allowed both of us to heal and grow without being tempted to fall back into things.” —Kate, 21
  • “I completely cut him out of my life because I knew I couldn’t handle having only a fraction of him.” —Cassandra, 26
  • “I’m currently trying it out, but it’s not sticking. It’s making it harder for me to move on. I was the one who suggested going a few months without talking, so I deleted his number and muted all his social channels. But every once in a while, he texts me and it confuses me. It definitely makes it harder to get over him, and every time he reaches out and we talk for a little bit, I feel like I’m starting over with my feelings.”
    —Kiara, 24
  • “I did it and it helped. By no longer letting him in, I was able to discover myself again.” —Alex, 27
  • “I chose to do the No Contact rule for six months because we wanted different things. It would’ve been very troublesome to stay in contact knowing that we wanted two different things. It hurt because it’s hard to quit anything cold turkey, but it was a good choice because it showed me that I could be on my own and be happy without being in contact with him or having him be a part of my daily life.” —Kaley, 25

Now, if you just can’t seem to delete (or block) your ex long enough before the frosé starts calling them again, that’s okay—you’re not alone. Try changing their name in your phone so you’re reminded *exactly* what you’re doing any time you pull up their contact.

“When you see your ex’s name, it may still bring sadness to your life or quite literally make your heart flutter,” says clinical psychologist Tricia Wolanin, PsyD. “That’s why I recommend changing the name in your phone temporarily to ‘pathetic asshole’ or ‘idiot.’”

Hey, whatever works to stop you from calling or texting, right? This will look a lot like your beginning to happiness—TRUST.

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